No Apologies Advocate and I saw “Phantom of the Opera” recently. After the show, amongst discussing the darker tone of Cameron Mackintosh’s national tour, the sumptuous sets, and the crowd-pleasing chandelier, we did a little research on Andrew Lloyd Webber. Amongst the standard biographical information came this revelation: Sir Lloyd-Webber has created a sequel to Phantom entitled “Love Never Dies.”

Unnecessary Sequel

As this is a sequel, we started calling it Phantom of the Opera 2: Love Never Dies (verbally stating the colon). The title sounds like an action movie. The setting is 1907, 10 years after the original Phantom (which occurred in 1881) in the most American, opposite of Paris setting ever – Coney Island! The plot reads like an action movie.

Christine Daaé is invited by an anonymous impresario to perform at Phantasma, a new attraction on Coney Island, and, with her husband Raoul and son Gustave in tow, journeys to Brooklyn, unaware that it is actually “The Phantom” who has arranged her appearance in the popular beach resort.

Summary via Wikipedia

Madame Giry is working for the Phantom!
Raoul is a drunkard, absent father!
Meg Giry is an “Ooo La La” Girl!
Gustave is the Phantom’s son!

Riffing on the idea of Phantom of the Opera 2: Love Never Dies being a bigger and unnecessary sequel, No Apologies Advocate and I postulated the main star would not be the Phantom. No, the main star should be Raoul who would action movie his way through the musical all to save his wife, his son, and Coney Island from the dastardly Phantom of Phantasma! There would be a lot of running. The music would feature heart pounding drums and ear splitting brass. The climax would be Raoul and Phantom mano-a-mano in a hyper-testosterone, machismo, throw down your semi-automatic weapons fistfight because this time it is PERSONAL.

There is only one man to play Raoul, and that man is Tom Cruise.

Which led us to wonder, why has Tom Cruise never done a Broadway musical?

Movie Star, Musical Star

Tom Cruise not starring in a Broadway production is surprising. He could open musicals of all his biggest films, perform in them for a week, and then hand over the role to a Broadway veteran and rake in the producer residuals money. As this clearly needs to happen, I took the liberty of creating abbreviated song lists for Tom Cruise musicals.

Top Gun: The Musical

Top Gun: The Musical featuring the hit songs…

• “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins
• “I Feel the Need…the Need for Speed” (Body based percussion piece à la STOMP)
• “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling” by The Righteous Brothers
• “Call Me Maverick”
• “Beach Volleyball” (Instrumental)
• “Goose is Gone”
• “Bullshit. You can be my wingman!” (Duet)

This has already happened…as satire from Canadians.

Mission: Impossible: The Musical

Mission: Impossible: The Musical featuring the hit songs…

• The Mission Impossible Theme
• “Don’t Chew It, It’s Exploding Gum!” (Sponsored by Doublemint Gum)
• “Running”
• “Everyone is Dead”
• “The Plot”
• “My Face is a Mask is My Face”
• “Still Running”
• “The Plot (Explained)”
• The Mission Impossible Theme (Reprise)

Jerry Maguire: The Musical

Jerry Maguire: The Musical featuring the hit songs…

• “Hello”
• “Show Me The Money”
• “I Showed You the Money” (Sponsored by Chase Bank)
• “The Man He Almost Is / The Man I Almost Am” (Duet)
• “Secret Garden” by Bruce Springsteen
• “You Complete Me”
• “You Had Me At Hello / Hello (Reprise)”

This has already happened…improv style.

A Few Good Men: The Musical

A Few Good Men: The Musical featuring the hit songs…

• “CODE RED” (Sponsored by Mountain Dew: Code Red)
• “I Eat Breakfast 300 Yards From 4,000 Cubans Who Are Trained to Kill Me, My Name is Colonel Jessup”
• “No More Questions”
• “Where’s My Baseball Bat? I Think Better With My Bat. Where’s My Bat?” (Sponsored by Louisville Slugger)
• “I Want the TRUTH!”
• “You Can’t Handle the TRUTH!”
• “Fight for Willy” (Anthem)

Of course, this was originally a stage play so why not a musical?